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Practicing Interpersonal Communication

Asking Questions more "Open-endedly" and more Creatively

Exercises

Part 1 Questions

  1. Using questions to reach out. Take each of the examples given above and use it to write an open-ended question that includes some content from your life.
  2. Translating "yes-no" questions. Translate each of the following "yes-no" questions into an "open-ended" one. What problems can you imagine arising from each of the "yes-no" versions?

(On talking with a person who looks disappointed...) "So you didn't like that, huh?" ______________________________

(A pilot to a new co-pilot...) "D'you know how to fly this thing?" _________________________________

(A nurse to a patient...) "Have you been taking your medication?" _______________________________

(Parent to teen...) "Don't you think it would be better if you did your homework first?" ___________________________

What questions in your life could be translated into an open ended style and what would they sound like in that new style?


Part 2 Questions

  1. Expanding your tool kit of creative questions. The list of questions presented below contains the most intense and creative questions I have been able to find, drawn from the works of many deep question-askers. Next to each question in the table below I have given the field in which I have encountered that question. Take each question on the list and imagine a situation in your life in which you might ask that question. This is a demanding exercise. You may want to break it up into several sessions. (In real life, as discussed in Chapter 2, it works better if you let people know what kind of conversation you want to have, before you start a conversation that includes challenging questions or intimate inquiries).
Question Source fields When and where you could ask these questions in your own life.

1. How does this feel to me?

2. What (am I / are you) experiencing right now?

 Gestalt therapy and general psychotherapy.  

3. How could I have done that differently? How could you have done that differently?

4. What could (I / you) learn from this... (situation, mistake, painful experience)?

 General psychotherapy.  

5. What kind of explanations do I give myself when bad events happen?

6. How easy would it be for me to view this difficult situation as temporary, specific to one location and partly the result of chance?

Martin Seligman's research on learned helplessness, optimism and explanatory style.

Note: Seligman found that overgeneralizing plays a key role in making people feel depressed. When bad things happen, pessimists are more likely to say to themselves "That's how it will always be, everywhere". and "It's totally and completely my fault".

  

7. What is the most important thing that I want in this situation?

8. What solutions might bring everyone more of what they want?

9. What is my best alternative to a negotiated agreement?

10. What kind of self-fulfilling prophecy to I want to set in motion in this situation?

Conflict resolution, negotiation, management, especially Getting to Yes.

(Note: A self-fulfilling prophecy is a stance that generates its own validation. For example, a person walking down a crowded street screaming "You will not like me!" at passersby is making their statement come true.)

  

11. What possibilities would be suggested if I were to look at this situation as if it were an airplane... a car... a circus... a movie... a Broadway musical..., etc.?

12. What does this situation remind me of?

 Creative problem-solving in the arts, architecture, engineering and management.  
13. If I do what I am thinking about doing, what kind of person will that help to make me?

Social constructionist communication theory.

(Note: In the social constructionist view of being a person, a sense of self is the overarching story that persons tell to make sense out of their actions and the events of their lives. Each of our actions supports the development of some stories and inhibits the development of others.)

  

14. What were the times like when we all got along together just fine, when we didn't have this problem? How did that work and what did that feel like?

15. (focusing on success) Looking back on this accomplishment, what seem to be the turning points that made this possible?

16. What were all the details of that moment of success?

17. Reviewing all these moments of success up to now, what kind of future could be possible?

Narrative therapy. (These are typical questions from narrative therapy that I have translated into a first person inquiry.)

Note: The central concern of narrative therapy is that the stories we tell ourselves to make sense of our lives and our life difficulties tend to leave out the kinds of events in our lives that might support a more energizing story. Narrative therapy tries to bring these "sparkling moments" into the foreground of attention, and to use them as a basis for creating a story that emphasizes strength and resourcefulness rather than illness, dysfunction and disability.

  


Your notes on asking questions more creatively: