Practicing Interpersonal Communication
Expressing Yourself More Clearly and Completely
Exercises
Exploring the Five Messages:
- Re-tell the story of some of your conflicts, frustrations and delights using the five-message format. Write one Five Messages statement a day in a journal or notebook. Here are some suggestions for expressing each of the Five Messages more clearly:
| The Five Messages: | Suggestions for expressing more clearly: |
|---|---|
| 1. What are you seeing, hearing or otherwise sensing? (facts only) |
A. Begin by stating what you actually see or hear rather than how you feel about it or what you think of it. B. Describe specific actions observed, avoid generalizing such as "you always"... or "you never"... C. Be specific about place, time, color, texture, position and how often. D. Describe rather than diagnose. Avoid words that label or judge the actions you observe such as "slimy," "lousy," "neurotic," etc.. E. Avoid descriptions of a situation that imply emotions without actually stating them, such as "totally disgusting" and "horrible". State your feelings explicitly in Message 2 (described next). For example: "When I saw the big coffee stain on the rug"... is easier to hear and understand than "When you ruined my day, as always, with your slimy, stinking, totally disgusting, rotten antics"... |
| 2. What emotions are you feeling? |
A. Use specific emotion describers such as "I feel"...: glad, angry, delighted, sad, afraid, resentful, embarrassed, calm, enthusiastic, fearful, manic, depressed, happy, etc. B. Avoid feeling words that imply the action of another person: "I feel.., ignored, manipulated, mistreated, neglected, rejected, dominated, abandoned, used, cheated (etc)." Notice how these words indirectly blame the listener for the speaker's emotions. In order to help your listener understand what you are feeling, translate these "implied blame" words into an explicitly named emotion (see Suggestion A, above) and an interpretation or unmet want (Message 3). For example: "I am feeling totally ignored by you" probably means "I am feeling really sad (or angry) because I want you to pay more attention to me, (spend more time with me, etc)."... |
| 3. What interpretations, wants, needs, memories or anticipations of yours support those feelings? |
A. Express the interpretations, wants, hopes, understandings and associations that support your feelings: ... because I imagine that... ... because I see that as... ... because I remember how... ... because I take that to mean ... instead of ... because YOU ...(did, said, did not, etc). B. Under our interpretations there are often unmet wants, hopes and needs. Explore and express the unmet wants that also support your feelings: ... because I wanted ... ... because I would have liked ... ... because I was hoping that... ... because I needed ... instead of ... because YOU ...(did, said, did not, etc). |
| 4. What action, information or commitment do you want now? |
A. Ask for action or information, or for a present commitment to future action or information giving. Since most people cannot produce emotions on request, it is generally not productive to ask a person for an emotion ("I want you to cheer up". "I want you to be angry about this issue". Etc). B. If your want is general, ask for a specific step toward it. Translate .open-ended requests, such as for "consideration, respect, help, understanding, support" etc., into specific action verbs such as please "listen, sit, lift, carry, tell me, hold me," etc. C. State your want in positive terms: "Please arrive at eight"... rather than "Don't be late"... D. Include when, where, how. Including the details can help you to avoid big misunderstandings. |
| 5. What positive results will that action, information or commitment lead to in the future? (no threats) | In describing the specific positive results of receiving your request, you allow the other person to become motivated by feeling capable of giving something worthwhile. This prepares the ground for later expressions of appreciation, and points your relationship toward mutual appreciation and the exercise of competence (more enjoyable to live with), rather than guilt, duty, obedience or resentment (much less enjoyable to live with). |
- Re-tell the story of some of your conflicts, frustrations and delights using the five-message format. Photocopy this page to do more exercises and also to use as part of a personal journal about your communication-related learning. One of the greatest challenges in life is to connect the past to the present and future in ways that are more productive and nurturing.
| Elements of my experiencing: | Helping people understand me better by expressing the various elements of my experience – past or present -- using five different "I-messages" | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1. What actions, events and/ or sensations am I seeing, hearing, doing, remembering or otherwise sensing? (the facts without evaluation) | As I (or when I) see (hear, remember, take action about) ... | Past into Present |
| 2. What basic emotions am I feeling (glad, sad, mad, delighted, frustrated, proud, sorry, ashamed, grateful, etc). about those actions/events? | ... I feel (or felt) ... | |
| 3. What interpretations, evaluations, wants, hopes, needs and/or dreams of mine help to evoke and support my feelings? | ... because I ... | |
| 4. What action, information, discussion, help or commitment do I want, would I like, and/or do I want to request, now? | ... and now I want (want to request)... [Something doable] | Present into Future |
| 5. What positive results or personal fulfillment do I envision that action, discussion, information or commitment leading to? | ...so that I can... so that we can... in order for me/us to... |
- Re-tell the story of some of your conflicts, frustrations and delights using the five-message format.
| Elements of my experiencing: | Helping people understand me better by expressing the various elements of my experience – past or present -- using five different "I-messages" | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1. What actions, events and/ or sensations am I seeing, hearing, doing, remembering or otherwise sensing? (the facts without evaluation) | As I (or when I) see (hear, remember, take action about) ... | Past into Present |
| 2. What basic emotions am I feeling (glad, sad, mad, delighted, frustrated, proud, sorry, ashamed, grateful, etc). about those actions/events? | ... I feel (or felt) ... | |
| 3. What interpretations, evaluations, wants, hopes, needs and/or dreams of mine help to evoke and support my feelings? | ... because I ... | |
| 4. What action, information, discussion, help or commitment do I want, would I like, and/or do I want to request, now? | ... and now I want (want to request)... [Something doable] | Present into Future |
| 5. What positive results or personal fulfillment do I envision that action, discussion, information or commitment leading to? | ...so that I can... so that we can... in order for me/us to... |