Conflict and Interpersonal Communication
Read this section to define interpersonal conflict, compare and contrast the five styles of interpersonal conflict management, explain how perception and culture influence interpersonal conflict, and list strategies for effectively managing conflict. For the time being, skip the "Culture and Conflict" section, which we will cover in Unit 6.
Avoiding
The
avoiding style of conflict management often indicates a low concern for
self and a low concern for other, and no direct communication about the
conflict takes place. However, as we will discuss later, in some
cultures that emphasize group harmony over individual interests, and
even in some situations in the United States, avoiding a conflict can
indicate a high level of concern for the other. In general, avoiding
doesn't mean that there is no communication about the conflict.
Remember, you cannot not communicate. Even when we try to avoid
conflict, we may intentionally or unintentionally give our feelings away
through our verbal and nonverbal communication. Rosa's sarcastic tone
as she tells D'Shaun that he's "Soooo good with money!" and his
subsequent eye roll both bring the conflict to the surface without
specifically addressing it. The avoiding style is either passive or
indirect, meaning there is little information exchange, which may make
this strategy less effective than others. We may decide to avoid
conflict for many different reasons, some of which are better than
others. If you view the conflict as having little importance to you, it
may be better to ignore it. If the person you're having conflict with
will only be working in your office for a week, you may perceive a
conflict to be temporary and choose to avoid it and hope that it will
solve itself. If you are not emotionally invested in the conflict, you
may be able to reframe your perspective and see the situation in a
different way, therefore resolving the issue. In all these cases,
avoiding doesn't really require an investment of time, emotion, or
communication skill, so there is not much at stake to lose.
Avoidance
is not always an easy conflict management choice, because sometimes the
person we have conflict with isn't a temp in our office or a weekend
houseguest. While it may be easy to tolerate a problem when you're not
personally invested in it or view it as temporary, when faced with a
situation like Rosa and D'Shaun's, avoidance would just make the problem
worse. For example, avoidance could first manifest as changing the
subject, then progress from avoiding the issue to avoiding the person
altogether, to even ending the relationship.
Indirect
strategies of hinting and joking also fall under the avoiding style.
While these indirect avoidance strategies may lead to a buildup of
frustration or even anger, they allow us to vent a little of our
built-up steam and may make a conflict situation more bearable. When we
hint, we drop clues that we hope our partner will find and piece
together to see the problem and hopefully change, thereby solving the
problem without any direct communication. In almost all the cases of
hinting that I have experienced or heard about, the person dropping the
hints overestimates their partner's detective abilities. For example,
when Rosa leaves the bank statement on the kitchen table in hopes that
D'Shaun will realize how much extra money he is giving Casey, D'Shaun
may simply ignore it or even get irritated with Rosa for not putting the
statement with all the other mail. We also overestimate our partner's
ability to decode the jokes we make about a conflict situation. It is
more likely that the receiver of the jokes will think you're genuinely
trying to be funny or feel provoked or insulted than realize the
conflict situation that you are referencing. So more frustration may
develop when the hints and jokes are not decoded, which often leads to a
more extreme form of hinting/joking: passive-aggressive behavior.
Passive-aggressive
behavior is a way of dealing with conflict in which one person
indirectly communicates their negative thoughts or feelings through
nonverbal behaviors, such as not completing a task. For example, Rosa
may wait a few days to deposit money into the bank so D'Shaun can't
withdraw it to give to Casey, or D'Shaun may cancel plans for a romantic
dinner because he feels like Rosa is questioning his responsibility
with money. Although passive-aggressive behavior can feel rewarding in
the moment, it is one of the most unproductive ways to deal with
conflict. These behaviors may create additional conflicts and may lead
to a cycle of passive-aggressiveness in which the other partner begins
to exhibit these behaviors as well, while never actually addressing the
conflict that originated the behavior. In most avoidance situations,
both parties lose. However, as noted above, avoidance can be the most
appropriate strategy in some situations - for example, when the conflict
is temporary, when the stakes are low or there is little personal
investment, or when there is the potential for violence or retaliation.