Conflict and Interpersonal Communication
Read this section to define interpersonal conflict, compare and contrast the five styles of interpersonal conflict management, explain how perception and culture influence interpersonal conflict, and list strategies for effectively managing conflict. For the time being, skip the "Culture and Conflict" section, which we will cover in Unit 6.
Negotiation Steps and Skills
We
negotiate daily. We may negotiate with a professor to make up a missed
assignment or with our friends to plan activities for the weekend.
Negotiation in interpersonal conflict refers to the process of
attempting to change or influence conditions within a relationship. The
negotiation skills discussed next can be adapted to all types of
relational contexts, from romantic partners to coworkers. The stages of
negotiating are prenegotiation, opening, exploration, bargaining, and
settlement.
In
the prenegotiation stage, you want to prepare for the encounter. If
possible, let the other person know you would like to talk to them, and
preview the topic, so they will also have the opportunity to prepare.
While it may seem awkward to "set a date" to talk about a conflict, if
the other person feels like they were blindsided, their reaction could
be negative. Make your preview simple and nonthreatening by saying
something like "I've noticed that we've been arguing a lot about who
does what chores around the house. Can we sit down and talk tomorrow
when we both get home from class?" Obviously, it won't always be
feasible to set a date if the conflict needs to be handled immediately
because the consequences are immediate or if you or the other person has
limited availability. In that case, you can still prepare, but make
sure you allot time for the other person to digest and respond. During
this stage you also want to figure out your goals for the interaction by
reviewing your instrumental, relational, and self-presentation goals.
Is getting something done, preserving the relationship, or presenting
yourself in a certain way the most important? For example, you may
highly rank the instrumental goal of having a clean house, or the
relational goal of having pleasant interactions with your roommate, or
the self-presentation goal of appearing nice and cooperative. Whether
your roommate is your best friend from high school or a stranger the
school matched you up with could determine the importance of your
relational and self-presentation goals. At this point, your goal
analysis may lead you away from negotiation - remember, as we discussed
earlier, avoiding can be an appropriate and effective conflict
management strategy. If you decide to proceed with the negotiation, you
will want to determine your ideal outcome and your bottom line, or the
point at which you decide to break off negotiation. It's very important
that you realize there is a range between your ideal and your bottom
line and that remaining flexible is key to a successful
negotiation - remember, through collaboration a new solution could be
found that you didn't think of.
In
the opening stage of the negotiation, you want to set the tone for the
interaction because the other person will be likely to reciprocate.
Generally, it is good to be cooperative and pleasant, which can help
open the door for collaboration. You also want to establish common
ground by bringing up overlapping interests and using "we" language. It
would not be competent to open the negotiation with "You're such a slob!
Didn't your mom ever teach you how to take care of yourself?" Instead,
you may open the negotiation by making small talk about classes that day
and then move into the issue at hand. You could set a good tone and
establish common ground by saying, "We both put a lot of work into
setting up and decorating our space, but now that classes have started,
I've noticed that we're really busy and some chores are not getting
done". With some planning and a simple opening like that, you can move
into the next stage of negotiation.
There
should be a high level of information exchange in the exploration
stage. The overarching goal in this stage is to get a panoramic view of
the conflict by sharing your perspective and listening to the other
person. In this stage, you will likely learn how the other person is
punctuating the conflict. Although you may have been mulling over the
mess for a few days, your roommate may just now be aware of the
conflict. She may also inform you that she usually cleans on Sundays but
didn't get to last week because she unexpectedly had to visit her
parents. The information that you gather here may clarify the situation
enough to end the conflict and cease negotiation. If negotiation
continues, the information will be key as you move into the bargaining
stage.
The
bargaining stage is where you make proposals and concessions. The
proposal you make should be informed by what you learned in the
exploration stage. Flexibility is important here, because you may have
to revise your ideal outcome and bottom line based on new information.
If your plan was to have a big cleaning day every Thursday, you may now
want to propose to have the roommate clean on Sunday while you clean on
Wednesday. You want to make sure your opening proposal is reasonable and
not presented as an ultimatum. "I don't ever want to see a dish left in
the sink" is different from "When dishes are left in the sink too long,
they stink and get gross. Can we agree to not leave any dishes in the
sink overnight?" Through the proposals you make, you could end up with a
win/win situation. If there are areas of disagreement, however, you may
have to make concessions or compromise, which can be a partial win or a
partial loss. If you hate doing dishes but don't mind emptying the
trash and recycling, you could propose to assign those chores based on
preference. If you both hate doing dishes, you could propose to be
responsible for washing your own dishes right after you use them. If you
really hate dishes and have some extra money, you could propose to use
disposable (and hopefully recyclable) dishes, cups, and utensils.
In
the settlement stage, you want to decide on one of the proposals and
then summarize the chosen proposal and any related concessions. It is
possible that each party can have a different view of the agreed
solution. If your roommate thinks you are cleaning the bathroom every
other day and you plan to clean it on Wednesdays, then there could be
future conflict. You could summarize and ask for confirmation by saying,
"So, it looks like I'll be in charge of the trash and recycling, and
you'll load and unload the dishwasher. Then I'll do a general cleaning
on Wednesdays and you'll do the same on Sundays. Is that right?" Last,
you'll need to follow up on the solution to make sure it's working for
both parties. If your roommate goes home again next Sunday and doesn't
get around to cleaning, you may need to go back to the exploration or
bargaining stage.