PRDV212: Interpersonal Communication

Slow down and give your listeners more information about what you are experiencing by using a wide range of "I-statements". You are likely to get more of your listener's empathy if you express more of what you are seeing and hearing, feeling, interpreting, wanting, and envisioning. In the pages that follow we will explore each of these aspects of experience and how to express them more clearly.

Anytime one person sincerely listens to another, a very creative process is going on in which the listener mentally reconstructs the speaker's experience. The more facets or dimensions of your experience you share with easy-to-grasp "I statements," the easier it will be for your conversation partner to reconstruct your experience accurately and understand what you are thinking, feeling and wanting. This is equally worthwhile whether you are trying to solve a problem with someone or trying to express appreciation for them. Expressing yourself this carefully might appear to take longer than your usual quick style of communication. But if you include all the time it takes to unscramble everyday misunderstandings, and to work through the feelings that usually accompany not being understood, expressing yourself more completely can actually take a lot less time.

Filling in the missing information

If you observe people in conversation carefully, you will begin to notice that human communication works by leaving many things unsaid and depending on the listener to fill in the missing-but-implied information. For example, a receptionist may say to a counselor, "Your two o'clock is here," a sentence which, on the face of it, makes no sense at all. She means "Your client who made an appointment for two o'clock has arrived in the waiting room," and the counselor knows that. It's amazing how much of the time this abbreviating and implying process works just fine. But, in situations of change, ambiguity, conflict, or great emotional need, our "shorthand" way of speaking may not work at all for at least three possible reasons. First, our listeners may fill in a completely different set of details than the one we intended. Second, our listeners may not understand the significance of what we are saying (they get only some of the details, so miss the big picture). And finally, without actually intending to mislead anyone, we may leave out important parts of our experience that we find embarrassing or imagine will evoke a hostile reaction. The more serious the consequences of misunderstanding would be, the more we need to both understand our own experience better and help our listeners by giving them a more complete picture of our experience in language that does not attack them.

According to various communication researchers, there are five main dimensions of experience that your conversation partners can use to recreate your experience inside their minds. The more elements you provide, the higher the probability that your listener's re-creation will match your experience. In this Workbook I will refer to these elements or dimensions of experience as "the five messages".

Examples in table format

The example in the table below outlines a five-part way of saying more of what we are experiencing. The shorthand version of the message below would be something like, "Stop that racing!" Here are the details of the five messages that are left out in the shorthand version: (Please read down the columns)

Note: My deep appreciation goes to the work of Marshall Rosenberg for helping me to understand Messages 1 through 4, to the work of Sharon and Gordon Bower for helping me understand Message 5, and to the work of John Grinder and Richard Bandler for helping my understand how people "delete" various aspects of their experience from their communication. For interesting variations on the theme of complete messages, see their books noted below.

In the table that starts below and continues on the next page you will find eight examples of statements that would give your listener a full range of information about your experience. Notice how a person's feelings can change according to the needs and interpretations they bring to a situation. (Please read across the rows)

More Examples Of The Five Messages In Action: